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October 30
Here it is, 3 in the morning. What the hell am I doing up?? It's a long story. The short answer is thinking. Thinking about what? The Walk, for one thing. Doubts and fears. 15 miles?!? How in the world did I get myself into this? Thinking about the usual litany of things I always think about. My lack of love life, my lack of love life, my lack of love life, my job, and, oh yeah, my lack of love life.
It's funny...I spend a lot of time online(duh), and my bro and his wife are always joking about all the "girlfriends" I have. True, there are 4 or 5 I chat with on a pretty regular basis. Unfortunately, they are all either A)married, B)live at least 4 hours away, or C)have absolutely no interest in me as anything more than a friend. Or some combination. One lady is all 3 of those things.
The funny thing is, they all say the same things about me, for the most part. I'm funny. I'm smart. I'm sweet. I'm caring(my feelings about working on the floor with the Alzheimer's patients to the contrary). If I am to believe all of those things, I am pretty much the catch of the century, except for not having any money, and yet, here I sit, all alone at 3(actually 3:17 now)in the morning.
So, I am also thinking, "Where do I go to meet women?" The only single women I know of at work are either over 50, or still in high school. (And gosh, I sure do like to look at them, cuz I am a dirty old man but, you know...they'd have to be at least 18 to go out with me ;-D) The sad truth is, I am still too scared to just go up to someone I don't know and start talking, and online is easier.
*sigh* Ahhhh, well.....I guess it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Like I have said before, I am not ready for the big "love" anyway. But, I sure do miss having someone to hold and to hold me(not a very manly sentiment, I know). Sometimes I feel like I was better off when I was so fat that there was no chance any woman would ever want to touch me, because then I had no idea what I was missing. Yes, I know, I have said that before, too. You expect originality at 3:30???
As for the doubts, I have been feeling so unmotivated.... seemingly more so the closer the day gets. In that regard, I am actually better yesterday and today than I have been. I've been listening to one of Rik Emmett's discs, and it has helped a little. Great guitar to be sure, but some very positive messages in the songs, too, and I need as much of that as I can get.
Life goes on, and every day you wake up is a good one. If I keep telling myself that I may even start to believe it. That, and this, too.....I am one tough S.O.B., and I can do anything I put my mind too. Terribly, sadly, desperately alone or not, I am coming to kick your ass, 15 miles!!!
October 31
It's a little late in the game to be doing this, but I
contacted someone from the local newspaper about getting some publicity. The beauty of this thing is, since I am the only one walking and there has been almost no publicity, (except for some fliers I put up, thanks, Sherrie :-D), it would be no problem to move the date back 2 weeks. I asked the columnist to get back with me as soon as possible, so keep your fingers crossed.
November 1
6 a.m. What the hell am I doing up at 6 a.m.? The same thing I have been doing since I woke up a little bit before 5...thinking. Uh oh. Hang on, don't jump to any conclusions. Not the whiny "How come nobody loves me?"
thinking I was doing the other day. Well, not entirely.
I am thinking about a friend of mine that is having surgery this morning, and I am trying to send all of the good thoughts and positive energy that I can to her. Ooommmm.... you're going to be better than ever....oooommmmm.....you're going to be better than ever.....ooooommmmm, well, you get the idea. you're going to be great!! :-)
Thinking about the walk, too. Not so much any doubts or fears, but about the newspaper thing. Kicking the hell out of myself for not making contact earlier. Wondering if I postpone for a couple of weeks to give the guy a chance to respond and write/print his column, if he chooses to do so.
Part of me wants to do that, because I wanted to raise as much money as possible, and part of me thinks that maybe that is a cop out, because deep down I DO still have doubts and fears. So, I dunno. If any of you have an opinion on this matter, please feel free to share.
Lastly, I am thinking I should take a second to thank all of you out there for your support. I am not always very timely at responding to your e-mails (almost never, as a matter of fact), but it means a great deal to me that you take the time to write and share your feelings with me. Happy Thursday :-)
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